Safe as Houses

In the quiet pub nothing much was going on, it was a quiet afternoon that stretched on forever. No one was out, none of the regulars or strangers graced the bar. Tanya was very bored, she was two hours into a six hour work shift and she’d served just one customer two drinks. He’d since gone back to work, his dinner hour over. The pub was empty except for Tanya and Anelka, the black guinea pig in a cage in the lounge area. Not even she squeaked for a carrot, she was either asleep or bored like the bar girl.

The pub she worked in was called The Manor and was situated on a hill overlooking the small town below, down the winding road. Dark bleak moorland surrounded the pub on three sides. Even in summer it was a miserable forsaken place, with stunning scenery. One had to admit that. Views stretched for miles over the town and onto the flat plain below that led to Manchester and other adjoining big towns, ten miles distant. None of this mattered now to Tanya, she wanted something to do. But what? I’ve got to stay alert and on the ball, in case the boss turns up checking up on me or a customer comes in. Small chance of that!

Outside, a wind blew around the building, whistling round the brickwork and rattling the windows. A usual occurrence, being twelve hundred feet up on a hill led to the worst weather.

Tanya left the bar and closed the main door; it was inviting but let a cold draft in. People would know the pub was open, the welcome sign was lit up and the curtains open. A sure image of hospitality and warmth, backed up by Tanya herself. Through the door window she caught a glimpse of the view below and smiled, thinking, Down there people like me are getting it on having sex, drinking coffee while reading a raunchy magazine and having fun, not bored like me!

Returning to the bar, Tanya took stock of the bottles and glasses neatly stacked on shelves and in the fridges, all in order and spotlessly clean. Then it came to her, I know what I’ll do! Reaching down and opening the small fridge that contained bottles of chilled beer and alcopops, she took the first bottle and shut the door. In her hand was a bottle of Carlsberg beer, 275 millilitres. Nice and cold, unopened.

“This will be fun!” Tanya muttered to herself. “Quite a thrill.”

Lifting up her knee length light blue denim skirt, she pulled aside her lilac thong and felt her pussy hole. It was a little dry. Wiping some of the condensation of the bottle, she transferred this to her cunt. Not enough, so she spat on her hand and applied that. It helped and she slipped two fingers up herself, with little effort. Opening her pussy she massaged and played with her lush cunt, enjoying the feeling of new stimulation and sudden wetness that enveloped her hand. With careful moves, Tanya got the cold beer bottle and gently put it up her, guiding it up with her fingers. It was a good fit.

Coldness from the bottle took away the warmth of her pussy. With experienced hands she moved the bottle in and out fucking herself. The beer was very cold inside the glass; it took her body heat away like the sun burning away the valley fog. Effective and bloody marvellous! It felt amazing, the most basic feeling. Like she was dead, she laughed out loud. Such is my dark humour! Whoa, this feels bloody good. A fuck with a cold bottle of beer, damn cold! Just imagine if a customer walked in now! What a scare they’d have.

Just then the main door banged open startling Tanya who was fucking herself with the bottle. She thought it was the wind but it wasn’t; a man stood there. He was silhouetted against the door by the sun. This took away his features so he was a dark form. It wasn’t her boss though, the man was too tall.

The mad thing was this: Tanya didn’t stop her bottle action, she increased it and looked down. She saw her own hands use the bottle. In and out it went like a piston. Closing her blue eyes, she let fate deal with the situation. I’m going to satisfy myself now. I don’t care what the stranger does. He can join in!

Tanya started to cum, her orgasm arriving. She screamed and almost fell over, leaning against the bar for support. She felt another person’s hands join hers and she instinctively knew it was the man, helping her out. What did he think of this little show?

“Just like that?” commented the man. He sounded pleasant.

“Yes, just like that,” whispered Tanya, enjoying the bottle making her cum, in and out of her shaved cunt. This could get me into very serious trouble and cost me my job. But who is this guy?

“You have a lush pussy young lady,” replied the stranger.

“I know,” agreed, Tanya. Curiosity got the better of her; she opened her eyes and saw who was helping give her pleasure.

He bent over so he could hold the bottle; he carefully brought it in and out of Tanya’s pussy. The man wasn’t attractive in the normal sense but rugged with fair hair and grey eyes that held her gaze. A round face and several days stubble gave him an air of aloofness, backed up by a nice smile. Tanya returned his smile.

“Don’t stop. That feels just right,” she gasped. She kept one hand on the bottle of beer, making sure the guy didn’t do it too fast; it had to be done correctly.

“I’ve never done this before. Am I doing okay?” asked the man.

“You’re doing fine. It mustn’t be too fast or the metal lid can cut my insides. That happened once before.”

“I don’t want to hurt you in anyway. By the way, I’m Peter.”

“I won’t let you hurt me,” challenged Tanya, staring Peter out. She saw him look away, a sign of submission and that she was the boss.

“I’m Tanya. Nice to meet you. I’ll serve you when you’ve made me cum.”

“Okay,” replied Peter, concentrating on making Tanya cum with the beer bottle.

The green bottle slid smoothly up and down like a well oiled machine, a piston of lust bringing a young lady to orgasm. It fit nicely where it was, the neck of the bottle easily going up Tanya’s pussy. When the bottle got wider she struggled to accommodate it. There was more than enough length available to serve its purpose; an alternative fuck. Cold beer gently chilled her cunt, smooth wet glass brought an orgasm and it started deep within her. Slowly rising and spiralling to escape, an indescribable feeling of joy was born. It arrived.

“Ah fucking hell! Don’t stop. Don’t you dare fucking stop, I’m coming. Mother fucker, I’m coming! That feels so bloody good. Ah, ah, ah!” screamed Tanya, while she came. Her legs shuddered and her shapely arse banged against the side of the bar. She nearly fell over but held onto the top of the bar with both hands, allowing Peter to finish her off by himself.

“Go on baby, go on! Don’t stop,” Peter urged, using the bottle with both hands like a big dildo. Tanya’s orgasm seems to last all day, I wish I was her and could feel that!

“Oh Peter, I’ve cum, that was unreal. It’s never felt that good before!” said Tanya, her legs shaking in a final whoosh of orgasm. Her vision slowly returned.

“I only came in for a beer,” laughed Peter, slowly withdrawing the bottle and standing up. “I never thought I’d be helping you orgasm with a cold beer bottle!”

“One of my little surprises,” grinned the bargirl, arranging her thong and denim skirt. She enquired, “What drink do you want? You may have that one if you want?”

“Yes, this one is fine. Watch this!” Peter said, lifting the bottle to look at Tanya’s pussy juice dripping down the cold green glass. Taking a bar towel from the bar, he wiped clean the bottle. Reaching into his pocket he produced a set of keys with a bottle opener key ring. With a swift click the bottle was open and the lid rattled on the floor. Victoriously he took a swig of cold ale, smiling like a Cheshire cat. The bottle never touched his lips. She looks a nice girl but I don’t want to risk catching anything. One can never tell.

“Quite a show,” commented Tanya. “That’ll be one pound eighty please!”

“Not on the house?” asked Peter, trying his luck with a free drink.

She shook her head sternly. “We have a business to run you know? And my boss always checks the books, plus you’re only the second customer all day.”

“Okay then, here’s two quid. Keep the change. What did you do to the first punter then?”

“Thank you. Wouldn’t you like to know what I did to him?” teased Tanya.

“I would actually,” smiled Peter, taking a big swig of beer.

“I’m not telling but I’ll tell you one thing.”

“What’s that then?”

“Come into the back and you can fuck me from behind!” shouted Tanya, running into the back room of the pub.

“You little tease!” shouted Pete, slamming his Carlsberg down and chasing the girl. He caught her in the back room.

I wonder if he’s really up for it. And I hope he’s got a rubber! Tanya thought. She asked him, “You got a condom then big boy? Coz if you aint, you can’t fuck me!”

“I always carry one in my wallet,” replied Pete, taking his wallet from his jeans. Opening it, he eagerly held up a purple wrapper. An unused Durex!

“Good lad! I’m all yours then!” she craftily said.

“I want you to put it on for me. Would you?”

“Of course. Take down your jeans.”

Peter undid his belt and jeans, they fell past his knees. He wore no underwear! His eight inch cock was soon erect, framed by his neatly trimmed light blond pubes. Tanya ripped the wrapper with her teeth and took out the green condom. In seconds she put it on his cock and had it in place, she was full of experience. It was time. He leant her against a table and asked her to bend over. With a little trouble he guided his Durex covered dick into Tanya’s pussy from behind. It took three attempts but he did it, holding her by the waste to gain full leverage. Gently he started to pump her from the rear.

This feels good! I love sex from behind, day dreamed Tanya, thinking back to the last time she was fucked this way, two weeks before.

“Oh baby, this feels superb. You’re so fucking tight,” confirmed Peter. He definitely was enjoying it.

“Stop talking! Concentrate on shagging me,” scolded Tanya, wanting more action than words.

“I’d prefer you bare back, more feeling.”

“Really? Safe sex or no sex boy.”

Tanya took it from behind, moving her body with Peter’s. Her breasts jiggled about in her white baggy top, he moved a hand up and felt them. A big smile covered his face. She loved her tits being squeezed especially by a stranger, her large size 38DD tits were more than a handful and enough for any man. It would be nice to get his cock between them but there wasn’t time, only for a fuck. Have to arrange to meet up again when we can spend more time playing about, he can have a field day with my tits and we can even do some kinky stuff with my sister’s bondage gear when she’s at work.

Peter grasped her waist with a hand and breasts with the other; now and again he placed both hands on Tanya’s tits and squeezed them. Hearing her gasp and moan made him even randier. He increased his pumping but not to full speed, he didn’t want the condom to come off and get stuck right up her cunt. That had happened when he’d fucked a lass called Doreen, he’d had to reach six inches up into her pussy and fish out a wet disgusting Durex. Not the most erotic act. Luckily Doreen wasn’t pregnant and Peter hadn’t caught anything. He got checked out at the clinic.

“I love taking you from behind,” whispered Peter. He was nearly spunking up.

“Do you? We can do this again and more, if you want,” groaned Tanya.

Pumping away, he began to orgasm. His condom took away a small degree of sensation but not much and it served as a barrier; stopping him catching any STDs (sexually transmitted diseases) and risking an unwanted pregnancy. There was enough feeling to make him want to shag Tanya a dozen more times.

“Oh yes, we should do this again,” he confirmed. “I’m there, fucking hell Tanya!” shouted Pete, shooting his spunk up Tanya and into his condom. Safe sex never felt so damn good!

“Don’t stop,” urged the girl. “I’m nearly there too.”

Peter shagged Tanya, not stopping before he’d satisfied her. He wasn’t a selfish man.

She orgasmed soon after, her legs wobbled. Strong arms around her stomach kept her upright. Sensual feelings filled her body, she closed her eyes and struggled to breathe, such was the intensity.

Peter fucked her slowly, maximizing her orgasmic enjoyment. He knew it had peaked and wanted her to enjoy it for as many seconds as possible. Time didn’t matter; he slowed his pace and gave her what she wanted. Finally it was over, her orgasm was spent. Withdrawing his cock from Tanya’s pussy, he looked down at the condom. It was full of his cum, no leaks and hadn’t come off. Everything was cool.

“That was wonderful Peter. Give me a kiss,” said Tanya, turning around and putting her arms round her lover.

He kissed her deeply, French style, all tongues and closed eyes. Their bodies melted together in a long embrace of passion, for five long minutes.

Breaking their clinch, he replied, “You’re a real lady. Yes, let’s do this again. Let me get rid of this condom and I’ll give you my number.”

“Okay. You can hide the used Durex in the potted plant by the window. I’ll move it when I clean up at the end of my shift,” replied Tanya, pointing to the large plant in a pot with leaves spilling out everywhere. It needed trimming and a bigger pot, a good hiding place.

“Okay my dear. Your boss will never know,” laughed Peter, long and loud.

“He’s a moaning old sod, he doesn’t know the half of it, what I’ve done in this pub even when he’s been upstairs,” grinned the girl.

Peter took a tissue from his jeans and carefully removed the rubber. Wrapping it up and not letting any cum escape he deftly put it behind the plant. Out of sight, out of mind!

“I bet he is. I’ve never met him but my mates have said he always complains,” Peter said. “That’d give him something to whinge about,” he added, pointing to the hidden spunk filled condom.

“Wouldn’t it just,” agreed Tanya, smiling.

“Well then, here’s my mobile number.” He got his phone out and flicked through till he found his number. Tanya looked at it and tapped it into her own phone.

“Thanks. I’ll text you later and we can chat. We can sort out when we’ll meet again and have some fun.”

“Yes we can, I look forward to it. You don’t mind me wearing a rubber do you? You seem to be into safe sex.”

“Yes I am. When we meet I insist on it, a condom will stop me getting pregnant coz I’m not on the pill. I don’t want to risk that, I have my job and life to live and I’m too young to get up the duff,” Tanya seriously said.

“Yes, you’re right. Too many young women get pregnant; it creates many problems for themselves, their families and for society. Okay then, I’ll get going and I look forward to see you again,” Pete answered. He kissed Tanya once more and left the pub, his partly drank drink forgotten.

***

One week later Tanya met Peter again, under different more relaxed circumstances. She went round to his place to get it together. During the previous week they’d both texted and called each other like crazy, even doing phone sex and sending raunchy photo messages. There were little inhibitions here.

“Hi Peter, how are you doing?” Tanya greeted her new friend with a smile when he opened his front door.

“I’m fine Tanya, nice to see you again. Come on in,” he commented, stepping aside so she could pass. He breathed in her body scent, a heady aroma. “Hey, I love your body spray. Amazing!”

“You do? Why thank you!”

“May I kiss you Tanya?”

“Yes you may. Come here then.”

Peter embraced Tanya and held her tight, an arm round her waist, the other on her shoulders. His lips met hers in a clash of emotional flame and lust, closing his eyes he kissed her deeply, his heart aching longingly for the lady before him. With a foot he kicked the door shut, never taking his hands off Tanya. I can’t wait to get her in bed! I really like her; I don’t think she knows how much.

She allowed him to slowly walk her into the main room of his house, still in an embrace of togetherness, kissing. Where’s he taking me? What will he do to me?

“Don’t worry my Tanya; lie down on the sofa if you want. It’s very cosy,” Peter suggested with a wry smile.

“Okay then, what do you want to do to me then?” Tanya coyly asked, head tilted to one side.

“Oh my friend, I want to kiss you all over. Is that okay?”

“Yes, yes it is. What are you waiting for then?”

“Come here love.”

She didn’t have far to go, being already in his arms. He’s so suggestive and mega sexy!

Raising her arms above her head allowed Peter to take off her New York Dolls t-shirt in one go. Her big titties bulged behind her bra, waiting for release like a bullet in a cocked pistol.

“Holy Mother of God! Look at your breasts!” gasped Peter, in awe and disbelief.

“You like them?” smiled Tanya, looking down to her cleavage and over to her man.

He nodded and gently pushed her backwards onto the sofa.

“Kiss me then,” she whispered, emotions catching her breath.

He did so, starting on her belly. It was toned with a pierced navel, a light green stone in a stainless steel ring. His tongue flicked over this, probing into her belly button. This brought a giggle from the girl, was she ticklish? Now kissing Tanya’s stomach, he moved up below her tits and worked around them. His hands moved to the bra, he felt her breasts through the red material. And kissed the fabric and what flesh was showing. Reaching the clasp he flicked it open and both massive titties were released, out of the £200 bra! Freedom.

“Suck my nips,” instructed Tanya.

“Yes my dear.”

Crouching down on top of Tanya, who was lying on the green sofa, Peter kissed her tits and sucked her big nipples; both were erect and asking for it. One at a time, he put a kiss on them, finally sucking them. His tongue tickled the end, working down the length to the aureole and back again. With a nibble, not too hard, he bit down and waited to see what she would do. She slapped his back! Not hard but with a firm presence. She could have punched me hard! Tanya has a lot of strength behind her.

“Don’t stop, I like that. Bite my other nipple,” urged the topless girl.

“Oh babe,” replied Peter, doing as told. Lovely tits, with huge nips!

For fifteen minutes he kissed, sucked and caressed her tits. Then moved up to her shoulders, working to her neck; this made Tanya groan and wriggle in ecstasy. She definitely loved it. Finally kissing her on her lips again, she returned a hungry kiss.

Now she took the initiative, pushing Peter down next to her and at the same time frivolously taking down his shorts; he wore no underwear. His penis sprang forth tall and proud, a good size. I’m going to suck you in a minute but first we need to put a condom on you. Safe sex all the way, still fun though, oh yes!

Out of her small Gucci hang bag, Tanya produced a silver packet containing a strawberry flavoured rubber. Opening it with her teeth she held the new condom between her thumb and forefinger.

“Ready for a blow job? Coz I really want to give you one. The Durex is a flavoured one. Have a guess what flavour,” Tanya teased, waggling the red condom suggestively.

“That sounds nice, you can tell from my erection that I’m ready and willing!” laughed Peter. “Looks like a raspberry or strawberry one to me.”

“Strawberry!” she confirmed.

Placing the condom on the end of his dick, she gently unrolled the rubber till it was covering his love weapon. Smiling and looking Peter in the eye, Tanya bent her head and brought his cock to her mouth. She started sucking. This flavoured condom tastes okay; I thought it’d be like a load of chemicals. It’s almost like real strawberries!

“Christ love that feels wicked!” murmured Peter. He was totally relaxed.

Tanya nodded briefly. She was brought up not to talk with her mouth full. Her tongue lapped the tip of the dick, like it was a lollipop not a throbbing bit of fired up muscle. Right round the circular end, flicking and nibbling the area where his foreskin was pulled back, up over the other side. Every bit of his love weapon was explored in intimate tongue action. With a hand she wanked him slowly, adding to his pleasure; he would orgasm faster.

No one sucks cock like Tanya does. It’s the first time I’ve had a gobble wearing a rubber but it feels fine, just like I’m not wearing one. Peter kept his eyes shut. He let the girl do her bit. Rude images filled his mind, fucking Tanya in the pub and what he wanted to do to her now.

Still wanking him, her other hand cupped his balls and played with them, making Peter draw in a breath. Again she did it while she watched him. He seemed to like it. Now tickling him, she found out what else he liked having done to his cock and balls. Delicately pulling the skin as far as it would go made him wince; she could feel his testis inside his ball sacks. Where his spunk waits to explode out!

“I’m not far from spunking up now,” moaned Peter, his eyelids flickering.

“Mmmm,” replied Tanya, still sucking.

Nibbling and sucking faster now, stopping wanking, she concentrated upon her mouth action. She wanted to bring Peter to orgasm soon so they could do the main action, making love.

I’m on the way, right now baby! Here comes my spunk! thought Peter, arcing his back and tensing his thigh.

“Tanya, I’m coming,” he gasped. Down in his bollocks, spunk was shooting on its journey bringing total pleasure. It exploded out of his cock in a welter of white, coloured purple by the condom.

Increasing her sucking to full speed Tanya felt the spunk shoot out of his penis, being stopped by the condom. Safe sex with all the pleasure and no risks of unprotected sex.

“There you go Peter, how was that?” asked Tanya, taking his dick out of her mouth.

“It was bloody fabulous babe! You can do it again if you want,” Peter answered. He moved to get up. “I’ll get rid of this messy thing.”

“Yes do, shame it can only be used once,” she commented, looking at the purple spunk laden condom. His cum wobbled in the tip of it, threatening to escape. It wouldn’t though, Durex made reliable rubbers.

“See you in a minute. I’ll do us some coffee when I’ve done.”

“Okay. I take two sugars, lots of milk and don’t like decaf.”

***

Later they made love, standing up against the dining room wall. Peter put Metallica’s “Black” album on the stereo and cranked the volume up. It was his house and his sister, who rented a room, was out all day. Sod what the neighbours thought! Heavy metal was great to screw to!

Mmm this tops the list of cool, fucking against the wall right in front of the window with the curtains open where the neighbours can see! With Metallica on the stereo, thought Tanya joyously.

“Ah baby, I could do this all day long,” whispered Peter into her ear. He braced himself on the wall and held onto Tanya’s slim waist, drawing her to him on each thrust in a well planned sex act. Already his lower legs were cramping up but he didn’t care; he zoned it out and enjoyed the moment. Slowly and methodically he pushed his cock like a piston into a nice warm tight wet place.

“Why don’t you then? I’ve got a dozen condoms,” teased the lady, in her own small heaven. No marriage, no babies, no contract of convenience; just plain old good shagging. I feel made for this moment.

“Don’t tempt me,” gasped Peter, before his kissed his lover silencing her words. He revelled in how good she was, at fucking and kissing.

Together they had sex, their vertical bed was the dining room wall lined by embossed turquoise paper, very expensive and an acquired taste. Huge art prints of pretty people looked down upon them. They themselves were framed against it like a pair of sixties pop kids captured looking at a pop art print. They made their own art, white flesh being paint, turquoise wallpaper a canvas, their moans and groans was an artist’s mind; both of them were art. Art was them, a picture that was alive. Music was the air they breathed, every little bit connected to the next, an invisible circle. Peter’s cock was sheathed in an orange chocolate condom, what was that in this arty puzzle? It was the key to everything.

This may only be sex but it feels like we’re making love. Am I falling in love with you my dear Tanya? Am I? dreamt Peter, asleep in the moment where time left the room. Every kiss and each thrust was a year of physical feeling and emotional fulfilment.

“Ah God! I’m coming,” screamed Tanya, moving her hips with each action easily keeping up with Peter. Her hands drew patterns over his back, her nails briefly digging in to his flesh bringing a small gasp. He won’t ever forget this moment, having sex with me in his arty room. No, every time he looks at his art prints of Banksy and Warhol, he will think of me and what we did here. Oh, I’m coming! Fucking hell!

“Me too Tanya,” Peter announced, while he thrust away. He wanted them to come together. His timing was excellent. Each felt the same pleasure.

Their joint orgasm was wondrous, not spoilt by the thin rubber of an ultra sensitive condom. Sweaty bodies locked together joining as one, making something that belonged to them. It was theirs’ alone, this moment they enjoyed. Captured forever in their minds, to be remembered by only them, forming something intimate and erotic, framed by screams of joy. 

Slowly peaking and then receding, their coming faded away leaving a dull ache of what? A thrill, enjoyment, merriment? No, it was the urge to do it all again! But not just yet. Together in each others’ arms they sank to the floor and remained still, not moving. Locked in an embrace. They belonged together...

Moving East

I’m one of the boys. I’m one of them who live in my eastern English town of Witches’ Elbow. We’re all real tough nuts, living in the moment and ready for anything, be it a good tear up or a dirty woman in a back alleyway. Or sex with a man if the chance is there, coz I’m a six foot three transvestite, originally called Harry, who loves to wear women’s clothing.      

My mates’ call me Big Boy when we’re at work but out on the town in my gear, my name is Gertrude. They’re a bunch of easterners who were suspicious of me at first. I soon won them over when I walked into work in one of my sister’s dresses, sometime ago. A long flowing number made of silver silk, hugging my body in the right places, leaving little to the imagination. I gave it my best, doing a slinky walk and showed a bit of my hairy unshaven leg. What a storm it created!

“Do you like what you see ladies? I’m young free and single. Come and get me, do what you want to me,” I teased, tossing my purple wig and looking over their heads, being aloof.

“Oh my fucking Lord! Harry is a fucking bird! He’s dressed like a bint! I don’t believe it!” laughed Ian, my boss. His cigarette fell out of his mouth in amazement and shock.

“Well, well, what have we here then? A right sight for sore eyes,” chuckled Jon, the new teenage apprentice.

His gaze held me a little too long. Is he gay? I’d love to find out, I wondered. I pranced about the small tea room before we started work, with no cares in the world.

“You’re quite sexy for a bloke in a dress,” guffawed Liam, nudging Ian and laughing out loud like a man possessed.

“I see I’ve got your attention my comrades in arms. This dress belongs to my sister; she looks even hotter than me in it. But for now, you’ll have to make do with me. Am I enough for you? Please be kind to me,” I humbly said, looking down. I waited for their replies.

“A real beauty you are, a real beauty. Show us some more leg!” replied Jon, acting beyond his years, in the presence of older men.

“Just for you, my dear,” I commented, dancing over to Jon and fluttering my eyes at him. I lifted up my skirt and showed him some leg, a bit too much! I saw his eyes bulge like snooker balls. And another bulge appears in his jeans.

“I’d love it if both you and your sister were here,” shouted Ian, punching the air. “You look ravishingly sexy by the way. See you at my place at nine?” he added, grinning madly.

“Yes, I’ll join Liam and we can have three in a bed,” said Ian, nodding. “As I’m in charge of this work detail, I get to go first! Not bad for a northern monkey”, he added.

“Oh yes Ian, you can go first. The rest of you can fight it out, bitch to bitch on who gets me next!” I whispered. In one quick movement, I undid the clasp that held the dress up. It fell to the floor and I was totally naked, except for my size twelve steel tipped work boots! You should have seen my mates’ faces!

***

We just love it in our quaint little town by the sea, we chill out on the beach on the long summer nights, drinking warm beer and making love on the sand dunes, knowing these moments will last forever. I’m originally from the north and moved to Witches’ Elbow because I got a job in the harbour unloading the fishing boats three years ago. I really love the smell of fish, on the docks and on the skanky eastern women’s vaginas. Its steady work and I’ve got my mates that I share a beer with, down in the town in the many pubs and clubs.

We often argue and fight, you see I’m not an eastern pussie but a northern monkey, who likes his beer and a good rook when I’m challenged and the other guy won’t back down. One such rook went like this. Young Jon thought he was better than me, tried to beat me with his fists and some dodgy moves from Korea. “I’m going to kiss, I mean kick your northern arse Harry,” Jon drunkenly challenged me.

“Really? You and whose army? My name is Gertrude by the way, when I’m in drag, like now,” I replied, glaring down at the younger lad. I’d love to see what he can do in bed!

“I don’t need no army, just me and my skills. You’re in for it.”

“Go on then numb nuts, make a move.”

I stood there in the bar, watching the younger guy intently. I was ready for him! He moved!

“Hiyaah! Kung Foo mother fucker!” Jon screamed, launching himself at me.

Bop! My left fist went in, connecting with Jon’s chest, winding him badly. All fight left him and he fell to the floor. Now’s my chance to see if he’s gay or bi!

“This is just for you Jon!” I guffawed, opening my legs and crouching over his wheezing body. He was flat out on his back, trying to breathe. His mouth was open like a fish.

“No, no!” he gasped, in alarm.

I shoved my flaccid short penis into his mouth and it fit perfectly! He shook his head and looked up at me with astonishment; this changed to a nod and I had my answer.

“Yes, you like this?” I asked. My cock in his gob.

He nodded again. I took my dick out so he could take in air.

“Put it in again and I’ll suck your cock. I want to feel your leg too,” Jon said, regaining his breath.

“Okay Jon, you can enjoy all of it. No teeth please,” I replied, giving my former antagonist his wish. My pecker in his sexy young mouth. And would you believe it? He sucked me off in the pub, me wearing a short denim mini skirt, perching upon my teenage friend/workmate with my private bits out. In a bar called Napoleon’s with people looking on, chatting and pointing but not stopping us. I beat him with my sexuality.

***

There’s one brothel in town called Anne’s Armpit, we go there once a month to get laid. We love the gals coz we get a discount and new gals are coming all the time from Eastern Europe. They cum slowly with me coz I’m a real man when I’m not in drag. I fucked a Polish bird who weighed twenty two stone. She told me she had five kids! From four marriages, three of them to black men. She obviously liked big cocks. I never wore a condom coz she had gone through the change, so I had no risk of getting her pregnant. Her cunt was tight, not like a bucket. How’s that possible after five kids? I was drunk and not bothered about catching a dose of clap. I had another fuck that cost £45. My mates waited outside, to go next. They can use my spunk as lubricant! I wondered, Who can I shag next? There’s nowt wrong with paying for it!

***

My town has a tattooist called Ernie’s Place, he does the best bit of ink on the east coast and no one comes close. He did my dragon on my arm and “WOW” on my arse when I’d had too many bears, my mate paid for that after a drunken bet.

“Go on Big Boy, I dare you to have it done. Right on your backside,” Ian said, once daring me. I could refuse coz I won the bet.

“To have what done exactly?” I asked. We were at work so my name was Big Boy.

“Get a tattoo on your arse saying WOW. So when you wear your dresses and are in drag in a pub, you can show people it sez WOW on your backside. They’ll see it when you bend over! I’ll pay for it,” he explained. He did pay for it, twenty five quid for each “W” on my buttock cheeks and two grand for the letter “O” on my ring piece!

When it was done, after two hours of awful pain that neat vodka hardly touched, Ian congratulated me, “Well done Gertrude. When he tattooed your shit hole with the “O”, it was unreal. Good job I’ve got a lot of savings to pay for it!”

When I drop my jeans, it’s a real party piece. The guys and gals love it. They ask what’s on the front, I say come here and I’ll show you. Ian has declined to pay for my cock tattoo, I must change his mind!

***

We often go to the forest on the hill, just above town, to walk through the trees on a Sunday afternoon. We smoke marijuana to chill and relax after a hard week on the docks. With Jon, Ian and Liam, we sit together by a real English Oak tree, watching the sun set over the harbour, never saying a word, each man in his own stoned world, taking in the beautiful sunset over the sea. Nothing is quite like that moment, nothing, each time is a rapture enjoyed by tough working class men. Who said we don’t have hearts?

We grow our weed in the garden next to the police station; those coppers are too thick to know! An illegal plant right under their noses! We like to enjoy a bit of nature, the local cops don’t like it coz it’s an illegal drug. I say fuck the cops coz I don’t do no crime, I’m a hard working bloke who just wants some fun and to be left alone. My pals think the same way.

***

On a Wednesday night, I like to go to the Ragged Bear pub to see a live band. Who cares if they’re any good? I like the vibe, live music and strong beer. One night in the pub I saw a group of men from the local car factory, they were arguing and the mood was down. I asked what’s up, they replied their factory will shut and they’ll be on the dole unemployed.

Bang, two hundred jobs down the drain. I guess no one wants to buy their cars anymore. I suggested come and work on the docks, it’s nothing special but a tough job and we have a right old laugh.

Myself, I’m happy unloading the fishing boats and taking fish to the market, a hard yet rewarding job, even though I start at 5am before the sun is up. I can go home and have a sleep and then go to the pub for a beer to ease my aching body after a hard days graft. If I ask nicely, young Jon will give me an all over massage with oils and all the extras I can handle.

***

Witches’ Elbow has a long pier jutting out into the sea, half a mile long, full of arcades with slot machines and space invaders. Local teenagers hang out there to act hard and new couples in love walk the length and stare out to sea, lost in each other’s world. I like to drink at the Pier End Bar, taking in the sound of the sea and dreaming of what if?

Once a month there’s a Goth/heavy metal night at a small club down the coast road, called Nixie’s. I like to go coz the music reminds of my time back north before I moved across to start my new life. I still go back north to see my folks and my old mates. I never had a gal over there, not anyone to love. Maybe that’s why I moved east and got a new life.

I like the history of my eastern town, from an old castle built during the Napoleonic wars armed with old cannons protecting the harbour, to being bombed by Nazi hit and run warplanes in the last war. I added to this history with my own mad drunken escapades. Their aint no war now, just raucous weekends when the boys hit the town. We chase the women and eat their pussy and fight amongst one another after ten pints of strong warm beer. Not to mention the strange looks I get in my sister’s dresses! After all, I am a transvestite.

We argue who was the witch of this small town? My mate says it’s his mother, especially when she catches him in bed with his first cousin! Just wait till he finds out about the threesome I had with the cousin and his mum, won’t that be funny!

Life goes on in the small eastern English town of Witches’ Elbow. I never will move back north. Yeah I miss Manchester but I just love this small seaside town that I call home. One day, I’ll bring the lads back north and take them out, we shall see!